Am I selfish and jaded?

i am sure the Manila hostage drama is all over the headlines yesterday and today. i am sure everyone is discussing about how inefficient and useless the Manila's police force and how sad are the hostages who lost their families. there are news reports on how the hong kong government is pressuring the philippines government to explain the course of actions and etc etc. there are also footages of crying victims who have lost their families or who have been the ordeal and are still dealing with it.

my friend was telling me and updating me about how sad it was. there was this girl who lost her parents. another woman lost her husband because her husband protected her from the shots. then this lady thought to live on as she had 2 children. but apparently the 2 children did not survive. he was telling me that is so crazily sad to lose the entire family in one day. and if it's him, he would just die along with them.

funnily, on my side. i dont really care. i dont know why. maybe because im not from hong kong? but still that's not a good reason. i really do not feel much for the girl who lost her parents or for the lady who lost her entire family. i dont feel sad. neither do i feel sympathetic towards them. to me, i think it's just life. one will never know what's going to happen. so if one is alive, one should live life to the fullness. i know it's devastating to lose the entire family and parents if you're a kid. maybe because it's not my family so i dont feel much. i really have no idea. it's just doesnt touch my heart at all. i feel NOTHING.

in fact, everyday, i have been mentally preparing myself for the passing away of my family members. the first one would be my beloved grandmother. everytime i think about or imagine that fateful day, i would tear. but i know it's inevitable and so i hope she is always happy and gets what she wants. my grandmother is a good lady and she is very strong and a survivor. then i will think about my parents, my brothers, my uncles, my aunties, my friends. i should go before my cousins. hahaha. i have no idea why but im always preparng myself for those fateful days. yes i will be devastated and sad and mourn but i want to be able to move on as well. i dont want to be in that depression mode forever. maybe i am just selfish. maybe i only care about myself. or maybe my defense mechanism is so high that im trying to make myself believe that i dont really care so that i wont feel the pain when it happens.

and guess what's weird? i have never been hurt deeply by anyone or anything before. not that i can remember or think it's that hurtful. so i have no idea why i am so defensive. maybe it's just me. maybe i am just practical. or maybe i am so emotional that i became practical. or maybe i am being incepted. haha.

oh well, my condolences to mankind.